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February 2, 2011 @ 6:54 pm

Things couples should do, to better prepare for marriage?

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Paula Holt who is the writer behind the blog, Marital Musings joined the show. She discusses marriage, the issues today and the hope if taken seriously.


Note: Refer to audio player below to listen to this episode.


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People often ask Paula Holt why she writes about marriage. They are particularly curious when they find out she has a MBA and sold real estate before getting married and having children. The simple answer is that she finds marriage fascinating. She describes it as “a fundamental institution in our society that touches people on a very personal level.”

Paula first became interested in marriage more than 10 years ago. She was in her 30’s and had already seen a number of friends tie the knot. She had also seen several divorces and toxic relationships that seemed to be headed that way. She wondered what was going wrong and what people should do differently. Already a graduate of Stanford University and the Kellogg School of Management, Paula decided to forgo studying relationships through a degree program and educated herself through numerous articles, books and seminars. She has trained to facilitate several marriage education programs including Couple CommunicationTM and Money Habitudes.

In September of 2003 Paula got married. The next month she got pregnant, and the following month she moved from her hometown of Chicago to where her husband’s job had taken him, New York City. That started a period in Paula’s life when she was “ not so much interested in marriage as trying to survive it.”  Now seven years, a move back to Chicago, and two children later she is once again intrigued by marriage. Probably more so now because as she puts it “I have lived it and truly understand how amazing, difficult, and complex it can be.”

Paula launched her blog, Marital Musings to create an opportunity to explore her interest in marriage through writing. She posts information on the latest relationship research, comments on relationship stories in the media, and takes a look at the lighter side of things such as what it’s like to share a bathroom with your spouse. For her Marital Musings is a forum to talk to people about marriage and hopefully find some answers.


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Abbreviated Transcript of Interview with Paula Holt


Eric Michaels: Why did you start blogging about marriage?
Paula Holt: I think marriage is a fascinating topic and one that clearly plays a powerful role in our society. This is a particularly interesting time for marriage because we as a culture seem very conflicted about it. On the one hand you have the recent TIME/Pew Research Center Poll telling us that nearly 40% of Americans think marriage is obsolete, while on the other hand you have people enthralled with the wedding of Prince William. On a personal level I have been married for 7 years so the topic is very close to me. As I reflect on my own marriage and talk to married people around me, I am often struck by some of the issues that arise – those that are funny, and the ones that are very serious. I don’t believe I have all the answers, but I certainly have a lot of questions. So that’s really why I launched maritalmusings.com. I wanted to explore some of these questions and comment on both the serious and funny issues couples face. I also wanted to talk about marriage related stories in the news such as the Tiger Woods and John Edwards situations. I find the blog and the Marital Musings Facebook page great ways to pass on articles and information I think people might gain something from.


Eric Michaels: What topics have you found most interesting to write about?
Paula Holt: I’ve written a range of posts and all of them resonate with me for different reasons. I once wrote a piece called “The Sexful Marriage” because I felt compelled to defend married sex. I had seen several reports on TV about sexless marriages and I wanted to make it clear that while that is a problem that should be addressed, there are many married couples out there having active and satisfying sex lives. You don’t hear about it as much because married people often want to keep the details of their sex lives private. Another post I wrote that generated quite a few comments on the Marital Musings Facebook page was called “The Class Reunion”. In it I asked a question about whether or not you should bring your spouse to your high school reunion. People were split on this more than I expected. One wife had such a great time at her husband’s reunion she felt like an honorary member of the class, while another person said his wife should stay at home “because everyone ends up liking her better than me.” One of the things I most enjoy writing on the blog is a page called “10 Words or Less” It’s a collection of musings on a range of topics including communication, sex and how to make your marriage last, all written – you guessed it – in 10 words or less. The page has even inspired a book I will be publishing later this year.


Eric Michaels: How can you write about such complex issues in less than 10 words?
Paula Holt: It’s actually pretty easy. I find that with fewer words, sometimes the message is more powerful, funny or memorable. Take forgiveness for example. People often refer to the “act of forgiveness” but I don’t think that’s an accurate way to describe what it takes to forgive and go forward in your relationship. It makes it sound like it’s something that just happens. So what I say, and notice I only need 8 words here, is “Forgiveness is not an act, it’s a process”.  To me that better reflects the time it takes to truly move on when feelings have been hurt. Here’s one for all those people who loved the line “You complete me.” from the movie Jerry Maguire, which I must say is a line I consider overly romanticized and frankly a little unhealthy. What I believe, in 10 words or less of course is that “Nobody can complete you, but they should add value.” The point is you have to come to a relationship as a complete person; however, it’s great to find someone who brings out the best in you or can teach you new things. Although the book will contain many of these kinds of musings that will hopefully make people think, some will just make you laugh and say “Hey, that’s how it is in my marriage!” A few examples are “Numerous conversations take place with one spouse on the toilet.” and “You will be awakened by the phrase ‘Are you asleep?’ I don’t know anyone who hasn’t heard those words some time over the course of their relationship. For one of my favorite mini-musings I needed the full 10 words, “Planning for a wedding is not preparing for a marriage.”


Eric Michaels: Why is that one of your favorites?
Paula Holt: Couples spend so much time, money and energy planning their weddings, and so little time, if any, trying to work through issues they will face during the course of their marriage. This is even reflected in reality TV where you have shows like Bridalplasty with women competing to win plastic surgery procedures to get ready for their wedding. There’s another show simply dedicated to women trying to find the perfect wedding dress. On my blog I wrote about how NBC’s morning show TODAY has a contest each year and the couple selected wins a fantasy wedding held live on the show. I feel like they are missing an important opportunity to entertain and inform the audience by not requiring their couple to do anything to prepare for their marriage. Most couples seem to get caught up in the wedding frenzy and don’t really think about the marriage. People often assume their partner is on the same page about issues. Or sometimes they just avoid areas of conflict thinking they can deal with it later. Neither strategy is very effective.


Eric Michaels: What kinds of things should couples do to better prepare for marriage?
Paula Holt: One way that couples may already be familiar with is premarital counseling. Whether it’s through a church or you go to a therapist who works with couples, this process can be very helpful. It might even help with planning the wedding if the couple is having issues around money or family. Even the most famous engaged couple of our time, Prince William and Kate Middleton are meeting with senior British clergy to discuss issues like how to handle disagreements and how to prepare for the changes brought on by parenthood. Another option that is effective for both engaged couples and those who are already married is marriage education classes. There are numerous different courses available dealing with a range of topics such as communication, sex, and money. Some classes last for a day, some take place over several weeks, and then there are classes that can double as a vacation. These take place on cruise ships or beachfront locations. If you can’t go to a class there are many that are on DVD and can be done at home on your own schedule. I’ll make sure to put a link on maritalmusings.com with more information.


--Don't Miss Special Tip in Conclusion...


Web Sites:


MaritalMusings.com


Facebook.com/maritalmusings


Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again for your guide or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.


Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

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Filed under Health, Marriage Advice, Relationships, Family · Comments

December 29, 2010 @ 7:03 pm

How do you know if you are in an unhealthy relationship?

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Dr. Joyce, the “Love Doctor” joined the show. Dr. Joyce has extensive experience in helping couples to gain and maintain healthy relationships. On this episode of eHealth Radio she defines what is a healthy relationship and a WHOLE lot more.


Note: Refer to audio player below to listen to this episode.


Dr. Joyce Morley-Ball was born the youngest of fourteen children and is the mother of three daughters. She is the owner and CEO of Morley-Ball & Associates, Inc. and is affectionately known as “Dr. Joyce, the Luv Doctor”. She holds a Bachelor of Science degree (B.S.) in Elementary Education/Psychology from SUNY Geneseo; a Master of Science degree (MS) in Counseling from SUNY Brockport, Specialist degrees (Ed.S.) in Counseling and Education Administration from SUNY Brockport, and a Doctorate degree (Ed.D.) in Counseling, Family and Worklife (CFW) from the University of Rochester. She is recognized as a National Certified Counselor and National Certified School Counselor by the American Counseling Association (ACA), a Clinical Member and Approved Supervisor by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a Certified Criminal Justice Specialist by the National Association of Forensic Counselors (NAFC). Dr. Joyce has served as an educator in the public school system and as a professor at the post secondary level for many years. She engages in motivational/keynote speaking, training, executive, relationship, life coaching, and mediation at the national, state and local levels, and she serves as a licensed psychotherapist in private practice.

Dr. Joyce does consulting for businesses, organizations, and educational institutions, including The Center for Creative Leadership (CCL), Core Consultant for the Georgia Center for Nonprofits (GCN), the U. S. Dept. of Education, the Georgia Department of Juvenile Justice, Project GRAD Atlanta, and other organizations. She served as president of the Atlanta Branch of the American Association of University Women (AAUW) and the Jeannette Rankin Foundation in Athens, Georgia. Dr. Joyce has served on several Boards of Directors, including Kate's Club and the Porsche Foxx Community Fund (PFCF). She has been recognized by Who’s Who In Medicine and Healthcare, Who’s Who Among Human Service Professionals, and The World’s Who’s Who Among Women, and she is featured in the 2008 edition of the African-American National Biography. She was selected to serve as an International Delegate for the World Mental Health Organization, and led a mental health team to assist in the mental health needs of hurricane Katrina survivors, especially first responders and their families. For more on Dr. Joyce click here.


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Abbreviated Transcript of Interview with Dr. Joyce


Eric Michaels: How would you define a healthy relationship?


Dr. Joyce: Well Eric, one of the first things that people have to decide is if they are in a relationship or a situation. A relationship is for the long haul, and a situation is for the short haul. So it makes it real difficult to be able to have people to decide am I in a relationship or in a situation. Once they decide whether or not they are in a relationship or a situation or whether there is going to be relating - you know the root of the relationship is relate - relate is to communicate. If there is no communication then there is probably not a relationship.


Eric Michaels: There seems to be an increased number of couples whose relationships are ending and the divorce rate is up.  Is there anything that individuals can do to ensure that they are entering into a healthy relationship in an effort to keep it from dwindling?


Dr. Joyce: I think one of the first things that they have to do is to begin to look at - who am I getting into this relationship with? And we talk about people making sure that they have green cards to make sure that people are citizens, I say with a relationship they have to have a color coded card - they need a red card, a blue card, green, orange, any kind of card, what is the credit like, what is this persons history, who is this person, let me find some things about this person that I might have not known before...


Eric Michaels: How does one know when he/she is involved in an unhealthy relationship?


Dr. Joyce: The minute that they see communication has stopped - and often times Eric people realize that you can have a conversation but it doesn't mean you are communicating. Is there respect going on, lack of respect - when there is a lack of communication, when there is lack of acknowledgement, when people are not willing to compromise, when people are not willing to take care with you, and I call them all the C's, are they willing to actually - we are going to look at how are we going to communicate, how are we going to compromise, how can I care about you, what am I doing to make sure you are OK! When a person is emotionally, psychologically, physically abuses any of the abuses this will get in the way...


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Want the entire audio version of this eHealth Radio Episode?
Dr. Joyce discusses & answers:

  • Are there certain steps that persons can take to maintain or regain health in a relationship that has begun to sour?
  • Does sex play a major role in helping couples to have healthy relationships?
  • What, if any relationship deal breakers should people consider in maintaining healthy relationships?
  • How does this apply to one's past history as a deal breaker?
  • Conclusion Tip...


Contact Information:


Web Site: DoctorJoyce.com
Phone: (770) 808-6570


Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again for your guide or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.


Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

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Filed under Dating, Intimacy Advice, Marriage Advice, Relationships · Comments

December 6, 2010 @ 10:16 pm

Judge Lynn Toler: The Craziest Case Ever

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Judge Lynn Toler of TV's Divorce Court joined eHealth Radio to talk about her experience as serving on the bench. She gives good advice for those considering divorce and a whole lot more. She even shares what her craziest case was in which you got to hear.


Note: Refer to audio player below to listen to this episode of eHealth Radio.


Judge Lynn is a graduate of Harvard University and The University of Pennsylvania Law School. She began practicing law in Cleveland in 1984. In 1993, at the age of 33, she was elected judge of The Cleveland Heights Municipal Court. While on the bench, Judge Lynn volunteered actively in her community creating innovative programs for young offenders such as Woman Talk, a program designed to intensively mentor young, at-risk girls.

While on the bench, Judge Toler also headed the Cleveland Heights Coordinated Community Response to Violence against Women, a countywide initiative for the coordination of community resources to assist women who are victims of violence. She was also active as an advisory board member for Templum House, a battered women’s shelter. As a result of her work in the area of domestic violence in 2002, she was awarded The Humanitarian of the Year Award from The Cleveland Domestic Violence Center.

In 2001, Judge Lynn became the host of the nationally syndicated show Power of Attorney. During this time Judge Toler started work on her first book and served as a retired judge sitting by assignment in multiple jurisdictions throughout Ohio. In addition, as an adjunct professor at Ursuline College, Judge Toler created and taught courses on Civil Rights Law, and Women and the Law. She was also a frequent instructor for the Ohio Judicial College, where she helped create and taught continuing judicial education course for other judges.

Judge Lynn became the host of Divorce Court since 2006. In 2007, she expanded her television presence becoming the host of the prime time television show, Decision House. In 2008 and 2009, Judge Lynn was a bi-monthly contributor on News and Notes, a weekly news show on National Public Radio (NPR). In 2009, she became a co-executive producer of Wedlock or Deadlock, A new syndicated series based on a segment of Divorce Court.

Judge Lynn is the author of two books. Her first, My Mother’s Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming an Emotional Genius published in 2006, is a humorous memoir in which Judge Lynn recounts a childhood lived in the shadow of mental illness and provides a practical guide to the emotional lesson learned from that experience. Her second book, Put It In Writing, coauthored with Deborah Hutchison, was published in September, 2009. It gives readers concrete, conflict-free solutions to the difficult situations that arise between family and friends.

Judge Lynn continues to write frequently for a variety of magazines. Currently she is a featured writer for Divorce Magazine published through out the United States and Canada. In 2009, Judge Toler was given The Voice of Freedom Award by the Philadelphia Chapter of the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. joining former honorees Colin Powell and Vice President Al Gore, in ringing the Liberty Bell on Martin Luther King Day.

Born on October 25, 1959, she has been married to Eric Mumford since April,1989. She had two sons and four stepsons.

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Partial Transcription of Interview with Judge Lynn Toler

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Eric Michaels:  Which party do you find yourself being the most hard on or less merciful within a divorce situation or dispute?

Judge Lynn: Well, I can't say male or female - what I say is the one who is acting the biggest fool especially if it is one who I find harmful to children. The money, the assets each other always take second place to anybody who is doing anything that I find who's being descructive or harmful to any children that may be involved - that party gets it!

Eric Michaels:  From your perspective - what is the #1 cause of divorce in America?

Judge Lynn: You know that's really a tough one. A lot of people like to say money but I don't believe that, I think money is the topic that most people will cop to they will say, yeh it was money but I think pressures of all kinds do it. I think its - the overall thing is a lack of communication. Ever marriage is going to have pressures and it's how you handle it and what you do and your ability to communicate and talk about how you feel - what you need and what you want and how you are able to compromise and make it workable for the both of you. So I will say failure to communicate because the reasons are so vast and I can't point to one.

Eric Michaels: What is the craziest case that you tried that comes to mind?

Judge Lynn: WITHOUT A DOUBT...it is the case where the woman - the bride - slept with the best man as opposed to the groom on the wedding night. The marriage lasted 90 days which to me was amazing that they got passed that night she says he was drunk and playing cards with his buddies when he was supposed to be taking care of his marital duties so her best response to that was to sleep with someone else.

Eric Michaels: What have you learned personally from being a Family Court Judge?

Judge Lynn: I think the thing that I have learned personally is to, and this is a very specific thing that I think it's very important and a lot of women can learn from it is to make the ASK. A lot of times women, and especially me misinterpreted my husbands failure to understand how I feel or to help me out when I am really busy or crazy around the house and I think he's just being inconsiderate and unkind and why doesn't he want to help me - he doesn't think its his job when in fact he just doesn't understand I need help....

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Want the entire version of this eHealth Radio Episode?


Judge Lynn Toler discusses & answers: -Importance of Communication - TO ASK!

- How she would handle a case where the parent that is responsible for paying alimony, loses his or her job and can't provide financial support for some time.

- And a Special Tip...


Connecting with Judge Lynn:

DivorceCourt.com
Twitter: @DivorceCourt
Facebook: Divorcecourt


Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.


Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

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Filed under Marriage Advice, Divorce · Comments

December 5, 2010 @ 10:57 am

Conflict Resolutions for Your Marriage

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Marriage Coach John Wilder joined eHealth Radio. He discusses the difference between marriage coaching and counselling, his treatment and approach in coaching, and how he works with couples on sexual coaching. You will enjoy John's laid back and direct - tell is like it is style.


Note: Refer to audio player at the bottom of this post.


John Wilder is a marriage, relationship and sexual coach. He has a BA degree with a double major in Behavioral Science and Bible. He also went to graduate school for Clinical Psychology. He attended Nursing School as well. He is one of but a handful of clinicians who treat clients holistically, dealing wtih all 3 aspects of our being; mind, body and spirit. You don’t have to be in his town because he deals with clients on the phone or on Yahoo IM on camera. He promises 4 hour sessions that resolves your problems in a very short period of time instead of counseling wich takes months and fails 75% of the time. You can follow his blog for marriage, relationship or sexual issues at marriagecoach1.wordpress.com. If you like you can contact him and he will give you a complimentary half hour session.  All you have to do is to leave him a comment on the blog or if you wish to communicate with him in private, you can email him at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com.  Leave me your name and phone number and he will call you back. Finally, you can contact me in absolute confidence because I offer an unheard of in the counseling industry of a money back guarantee.

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Partial Transcript of Our Interview with John Wilder


Eric Michaels: What is a marriage coach and how does that differ from a marriage counselor?

John Wilder: A marriage coach is a modern day trend and rejection of traditional counselling techniques basically because traditional marriage counsellors have a tremendous 75% failure rate. Would you want to go to a heart surgeon where 75% of his patients died? Basically the difference is that a lot fo marriage counsellors are adopting the coaching paradigm and the difference is actually in the actual treatment. Traditional marriage counsellors typically limit you to 1 hour a week and talk a whole lot about feelings and that's not real effective in problem solving. It's sort of like a newscaster shoving a microphone in a grieving persons face and asking them how they feel. It's just stupid and it's irrelevant. We don't need to talk about feelings they are there because their marriage is in trouble. Feelings are really irrelevant and its all about resolving a problem so the marriage is no longer in trouble and that's the difference between coaching vs. counselling. For me the difference is also that I don't limit the sessions to just one hour a week because that becomes too little too late. You rial all these emotions and feelings upward the people had a truce and you send them home all pissed off and start fighting all over again and it's counter productive. I do a 4 hour intake session and you can get a lot of stuff done in 4 hours whereas an hour - and it's a fifty minute hour and you only have about 30 minutes of effective time and it's really too little too late. So more and more marriage counsellors are adopting the coaching paradigm.

Eric Michaels: How is your treatment different from a traditional marriage counselor?

John Wilder: Basically I take the roll of a mediator. Marriage counsellors try and take a neutral roll or in some case an aggressive roll where they say you guys are better off getting a divorce. A mediator listens to both sides and gives them effective feedback - what they are doing right and what they are doing wrong and suggesting to both men and women if you want to bare the marriage this is the way you can do it. Another problem with traditional marriage counsellors is that they don't teach conflict resolution skills. This is the number one reason couples end up divorcing is because when they get into a conflict they start doing disfuncional behaviors by start yelling at each other and using words, clubs to beat the other in submission and basically the idea is winning the argument. The problem with winning the argument is there is a loser and the loser feels bitter and resentful. The best outcome is a WIN-WIN situation where no one wins and both parties actually win - but we don't do that. We have not been trained to do it from our parents or from the traditional marriage counsellor so I am big into teaching conflict resolution skills.

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Want the entire version of this eHealth Radio Episode?


John Wilder discusses & answers:

- What does a sexual coach entail?

- Why he chose to go into this career.

- Typical problems you encounter with couples?

- And a Special Tip...
Connecting with John Wilder:


Blog: MarriageCoach1.wordpress.com


Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.


Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

00:0000:00

Filed under Health, Marriage Advice, Divorce · Comments

December 4, 2010 @ 7:02 pm

Are You Considering Divorce? WAIT!!

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Dr. Robin Siebold joined the show to talk about marriage, divorce, children visiting rights & more.


Note: Refer to audio player at the bottom of this post to listen to this show.

Robin Siebold, Ph.D. is trained in counseling psychology and spirituality. She specializes in divorce and relationship issues, dysfunctional family systems, communication skills, codependency, parenting and most recently, collaborative law. Dr. Robin graduated from the University of Maine and Nova University. She is a licensed mental health counselor in the state of Florida, and is a member of the International Association of Collaborative Professionals.

Known for her charismatic personality and flair, Dr. Robin has given scores of presentations to groups, associations and companies throughout the country, ranging from divorce survival, relationship enhancement and spirituality. Previously Dr. Robin was a co-host of a weekly radio talk show "Mind to Mind: Enhancing Your Personal Growth" and host of a live television show in Orlando, Florida, "Relationships...with Dr. Robin".

Dr. Robin is the creator of two audios: Self Esteem: Re-Membering Your Self Worth and To Divorce or Not: The Financial, Legal and Emotional Aspects and is scheduled to launch her first bestseller in 2010, "To Divorce or Not", a must read for anyone contemplating ending their relationship. Currently, Robin maintains a private practice in Brevard County, Florida.


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Partial Transcript of Interview with Dr. Robin Siebold


Eric Michaels: Is your book titled "To Divorce or Not" available for purchase yet?

Dr. Robin: Not yet. It should be available any day now. This is a work that has been in progress for about 10 years mostly based on my procrastination and fear of finally getting it out there. One of the things I want the listeners to know that I am very PRO relationship and this book is NOT how to get divorced because even in my practice have always encouraged people to look at themselves before they make the leap to divorce because it is a live changing event.

Eric Michaels: If I were considering divorce after more than 5 years of marriage...where would you begin advising me?

Dr. Robin: First thing I am going to ask you is if you had had counselling yet. I get a mixed bag of that; I get people who tried it and failed, I've had people that have never done it or don't think they need to and way passed this and I still ask them if they would consider the possibility because I want them to turn over every stone possible before they make that decision particularly if there are children involved. Then I would encourage them to look at themselves because the answers are always within us and what people tend to do when they decide to get a divorce is look at the other person: if they had only done this or had been this way. So many times we get in a relationship and think we have the right or have the powers to get people to change and if they love me enough they would do it. We have authority or right or power to do that. I ask couples how did you first meet? What did you used to do together? A lot of times I fund out that they have not been having date nights, they haven't done the things that they used to do together and have started to live separate lives going in different directions with both working. They are not spending enough of that relationship time....

Eric Michaels: How do we stop the cycle of the past - that hasn't been so successful?

Dr. Robin: That's the other thing that people need to take a look at. This is what my book does it takes you - the subtitle is Reflections of Self - taking a look at what is your part in this whole scenario. It is never one person that makes the mistake or fails the marriage we can't point the finger as the old saying goes - we got one pointing at one and 4 pointing backward. Let's look at the relationship that your parents had...

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Want the entire version of this eHealth Radio Episode?


Dr. Robin Siebold discusses & answers: - How she would counsel a couple in the middle of an ugly divorce where the child is with one of the parents and the other will not allow them visitation rights due to lack of child support and other issues?


- How would you help one to find their purpose in life?

- And a Special Tip...


Connecting with Dr. Robin:
RobinSiebold.com

FaceBook - Robin Siebold


Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.


Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

00:0000:00

Filed under Marriage Advice, Relationships, Divorce · Comments

December 1, 2010 @ 9:46 pm

Ingredients for an Everlasting Marriage

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Sherly P. Kurland joins the show on eHealth Radio. Having interviewed 75 couples married 50-plus years across the country, Sheryl P. Kurland is the “voice” of the “voices of experience” – the real-life relationship experts. Over 4,000 years of marriage insight and advice are compiled in the coffee-table book Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More. Not only is Ms. Kurland the only author to have interviewed such a sizable collective of couples married more than 5 decades, she furthered her distinction by interviewing husbands and wives separately.  The couples represent a "sprinkling of America," from all different faiths, ethnicity's and backgrounds. Contrary to the colossal number of today’s traditional self-help books, each espousing an analyst’s “how-to” brand to the perfect relationship, Everlasting Matrimony fills an abyss by providing experience over analysis...the expertise of ordinary folks who’ve walked-the-walk and talked-the-talk.


250sq_edrugstore.jpgPart of Interview Transcript: eHealth Radio is brought to you by eDrugStore.com

Eric Michaels: First, let's start with what inspired you to write Everlasting Matrimony?

Sheryl Kurland: What inspired me to write "Everlasting Matrimony" was a complete brainstorm one night about 2 o'clock in the morning. News stories continually happen in the headlines with celebrity divorces. I am a freelance writer by profession and at the time I got the idea for the book there was just a whole slew of celebrity divorces and they continue. If you were to map them out it is just like an ongoing parade. It dawned on me in this brainstorm that there has never been a book that interviews couples married for fifty years or more - they are the experts. There is a lot of books written by "gurus" who think they are experts and many of them are divorced or never had a successful relationship. I did research to see if there was such a book and there wasn't so that set me on pace to write this book "Everlasting Matrimony": Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More.

Eric Michaels: Do you think that pre-marital counseling is a must for all engaged couples? How about the already married couple who seems fine in their current marriage?

Sheryl Kurland: Pre-marital counselling is such a big buzz word now, that you need education to be married and it does have its place. The answer to your question is NO! I really feel very strongly that what couples really need that are about to embark on the road map of marriage is role models. To find people who are successfully married and just sit down and engage in an every day conversation with them. How did you do it? How did you get through the hurdles? What has been some of the highs and some of the lows? Why have you been able to stay together through those lows and what have been some of the most difficult times so on and so forth. I really think conversations with role models is the best idea and you can find them every where and these people are willing to talk to you and it is FREE! And as far as couples that are fine in their marriage - do they need marriage counselling - I do think marriage counselling has its place but that it is over used and people tend to want this analytical approach. In any marriage - it can be improved and the best way to find out how to improve it having a L-I-S-T meeting. Each of you sit down and write ideas of ...I wish you would do this or I wish you would do that but the trick is when you've got your list ready then you turn the list on yourself and see if you are doing those things because if you are doing those things then their gonna be - it's like a mirror reflected back to you s- this is what I suggest. If a couple is fine in their marriage but really wants to improve that's sort of a good exercise to do and you don't have to spend any money to do that either.

Eric Michaels: The couples you interviewed that got married 50 or more years ago, and life was so different then.  Why is their advice valid in today's very complicated world & culture?

Sheryl Kurland: Many people say to me, Oh Sheryl, you know, it was so different then - women had certain roles and men had certain roles and the world was so less complex than it is today and my answer to them is first for all women could work in those days they might have not had the high powered positions that they do today but they did work. These couples lived through war times, with long separations, they didn't have the medical technology that we have today, they didn't have the communications and technology, they didn't have marriage counselling and if you were to lump all these things together and say OK, I want you to get married in the year 2010 you would say NO WAY! So these couples have been through everything possible that you can think of and also when you widdle down a relationship whether it was fifty years ago, today or fifty years from now, the same ingredients make up a loving relationship no matter what year it is so the advice is valid any period of time.

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Want the entire version of this eHealth Radio Episode?

Kimberly Koehler discusses & answers:

- With today's open channels of communication with modern technology such as social media and use of smart phones/cell phones -  putting marriages much more at risk - any advice that you can give in that regard?

- Discusses her Relationship trainer courses for Businesses and Corporations & what it entails.

- And a Special Tip...

Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again for your relationship guide or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on  eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.

Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

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November 23, 2010 @ 1:06 pm

Stop that Arguing NOW!

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Mitch Newman, M.A. is The Relationship Coach, known for his unique perspective on what it takes for two people to consider being together for more than a long holiday weekend.

Mitch learned from the relationship guru himself, John Gray (Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus). As a Relationship Coach for his company, Go Ask Mars/Venus, Mitch quickly noticed a pattern of fighting between couples arguing over the same issue over and over again without resolution. From this foundation Mitch created Scripting, a fun and dynamic process that engages people in seeing themselves and their partner through the window of the actual fight that slowly tears away at their relationship.

Mitch joined eHealth Radio and discussed several issues with us.

eHealth Radio is brought to you by eDrugStore.md

Interview:

Eric Michaels: You have said - Even Adam and Eve had their ups and downs! The only temptation back then was an apple! CUT TO - present day. The apple is now a computer - talk briefly in regards to technology as today's temptation.

Mitch Newman: Really, technology provides, for me it provides three main things: 1) Exposure - we are no longer living in a small town we now have access to the world. Our ability to present ourselves to the world whether its through a web site or through emails, whether it's through any variety of ways now that we can access the Internet, can help us create an image out there both personally and professionally. Now we start to reach out and reach more people and really create that image for our self. The other piece is really about the 2) global access which is really based upon the fact that I touched upon this briefly just before and was brought up in conversation just the other day, that we are no longer limited by our immediate environment whether we are living in a small town or a large city we now have access to the world. That can sometimes create a sense like WOW, there are unlimited possibilities out there for me. So in a relationship, am I settling by being in this particular one when there is all of these relationships and access to other people out there. Is the grass greener on the other side is really what it comes down to. The third thing is 3): How the Internet and technology creates almost like a at the risk of making up a word here an intimate-less relationship.I have had people that I have dealt with who have called me and said my boyfriend told me that he loved me and I haven't talked to him and he hasn't called me in two weeks. I then asked when was the last time you saw him and she says well we haven't actually met yet, we met on the Internet. So there's a lot of interesting dynamics that happen in terms of our communication even via email and text that kind of helps create a false sense of intimacy and creates massive exposure but not necessarily intimate authentic relationships.

Eric Michaels: In some of your material you mention how it is possible to once again see your partner's annoying habits as part of the charm that 1st sucked you in...touch on this if you would.

Mitch Newman: For many people this could be a very subtle or a very distinct form of anger and resentment. The jokes that we once laughed at that our partners once told that they maybe tell all the time in front of other people and now we are rolling our eyes and we are less enthusiastic - you know, the wet towel in the bed which was cute  and you were upset but you were kind of in a playful way is no longer funny anymore. To pull out a cliche although a true one the toilet seat that's left up that never gets put down. It was once cute once a cute annoyance - it was a wonderful reminder of being in a relationship and a connection, and when you are unhappy it is anything but cute.

Eric Michaels: Explain how your Scripting Process works.

Mitch Newman: Generally it's a twelve week program and couple pick an ongoing fight that they can't resolve. I often refer to it as every couple has their ground hog day - the fight they've been having for years that never gets resolved and only get interrupted because the children walk in the door or you arrive at the restaurant and "it's" to be continued. So, I have them decide on what that fight is and they usually come to that conclusion quickly and I have them each create that fight in a script format. I take my background as a screen writer and a comedy and sitcom writer and I marry together with my coaching and I help them re-create that fight in a script format that they don't share with each other but they share with me and I am able to see a variety of different rolls that they take on when they are fighting - let's face it - we are not in partnership when we are fighting, we are taking on one aspect of ourselves or some aspect of our parents. I get to look at that and help them to see what rolls they are taking on with the text and sub-text we have to talk about that in screen writing and TV film writing. For me it is about what's in beliefs, what is it that they are believing to be true. Also looking at those non-verbal ques, he huffs and puffs and walks out the door and the assumptions that are made by his partner when he does that and what that must mean...

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Want the entire audio version of this eHealth Radio Episode?

Listen to Mitch's entire interview.

Mitch Newman discusses & answers:

- What if I am having the same argument with my spouse repeatedly, how do we overcome this?

- What can you say to help someone who is jealous of his or her spouse for no reason...could be jealous of kids, other people, opposite sex, time etc...when these situation arise its like they go into panic mode - but yet in a quiet behaved manner.

- And a Special Tip...

Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again for your relationship guide or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on  eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.

Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

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November 14, 2010 @ 6:26 pm

The 4 C’s of a Diamond Relationship!

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Alisa Ruby Bash is a a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Beverly Hills, California.  She has been named one of the nation’s top 50 relationship therapists in “The Complete Marriage Counselor: Relationship Saving Advice from America’s Top 50 Couples Experts”. She specializes in relationship issues in her private practice. She has been consulted frequently in the media and has been featured most recently on NBC news 9/28/10 regarding the latest marriage statistics and the US  Census, “E! News” regarding Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, “EXTRA” (NBC) as an Extra LifeChanger regarding the Tiger Woods scandal, cheating, and featured in AOL, More.com, Oprah.com, Complete Woman Magazine, Figure Magazine, Gate House Newspapers, The Intelligencer Newspaper, and the Jewish Journal of Los Angeles. She is also the author of “Secrets Of Staying In Love Forever”, a relationship book in stores nationwide in 2011. For more information on to be in contact visit AlisaRubyBash.com.

eHealth Radio is brought to you by eDrugStore.md

Interview:

Eric Michaels: So what do you see are some of the most common challenges couples deal with in relationships today?

Alisa Ruby Bash: Relationships have always had lots of challenges for most people but these days I am really seeing a lot of added pressures like the economy. I think overall though the most common relationship challenge that I see is in the area of infidelity. Over the last year we have seen so much infidelity and sex scandals with all the celebrities and politicians and I really think it's about the issue to the forefront of people's minds and it's triggered a lot of fears and insecurities in many couples. The thing is right now, with our technology there are so many more ways couples are cheating more than ever before.

Eric Michaels: What advice do you give couples who are having relationship challenges?

Alisa Ruby Bash: I really think it depends on the specifics and circumstances but generally speaking I came up with this idea which is called "The 4 C's of a Diamond Relationship!" This really can apply to all kinds of relationships. The idea behind it is that we all know that diamonds are the hardest substance found on earth and also the most precious. This is how our relationships need to be in order to withstand the challenges that are going to eventually face our marriages. When people are searching for the perfect diamond, a lot of times they use the 4 C's which are: Color, Cut, Clarity and Carat. I came up with the 4 C's for relationships which are: Commitment, Communication, Connection & Consideration. The idea is for relationships to be successful we need to be 100% committed. Then we need to learn how to speak in a language our partner will understand so that means you will need to find a balance between speaking your truth and learning to say what you want to say so that person will hear you. Also we need to connect every day and that can mean sexually or emotionally. Basically the idea is that you need to take the time every single day to sit down and speak with your partner and listen to how their day was and show some affection and connect with them to see if you guys are on the same page. And finally - over the long haul of the relationship - simply implementing consideration. Just simply treating our partner with kindness and remembering to do all those little things.

Eric Michaels: What made you decide to write your new book " The Secrets To Keeping The Spark Alive?"

Alisa Ruby Bash: I am a marriage and family therapist and I am fortunate enough to work with people and their relationships every day. What I really really love about my job is helping people experience more love in their life. Personally, I come from a very long line of happily married couples and I myself have a very happy marriage and a wonderful husband who I love and I really feel that a healthy, happy marriage just brings so much joy to peoples lives. When our relationships are healthy we are able to teach our children how to love and choose the right person - we have an opportunity to be a roll model for them which in turn creates a better world for everybody. I wrote this book to help people with their relationships to learn how to express their true authenticity and how to have long lasting relationships where they can be comfortable being themselves. I also think this book is a good way to preemptively address the issues that lead people to cheat.

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Want the entire audio version of this eHealth Radio Episode? Listen to Alisa's entire interview.

Alisa Ruby Bash discusses & answers:

- What are your thoughts about emotional affairs?

- Do you think there is any hope for couples after infidelity has occurred in a relationship?

-Technolgy, today's culture and fear of infidelity striking.

- Special tip of advice...relationships are always changing and require constant growth.

Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again for your relationship guide or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on  eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.

Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

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November 14, 2010 @ 1:43 pm

Protecting Our Marriages From Infidelity

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eHealth Radio brought to you by eDrugStore.md had the opportunity to visit with Jason Coleman, Co-Author of the Book "Discovering Your Amazing Marriage".

Jason was born in Louisville, KY and raised in Arizona, moving to Washington while a sophomore in high school. He was raised by his mother, with his brother and two sisters. Jason went to work on a part-time basis for a sporting goods company when he was 19 years old and has worked his way up the corporate ladder, where he is currently a District Supervisor in the greater Seattle-Tacoma vicinity. He has 23 years of retail sporting goods experience, 19 of which have been in various leadership roles.

Jason and Debby have both been active in the local church for the majority of their marriage, working in various ministries. They have worked with teens and children and have led adult small group Bible studies. They have been active leaders in the Awana ministry for 19 years as well as serving on the Awana Ministry Team for the Pacific Northwest. Jason has also served as an 'Elder-elect' and coordinated the Outreach Ministry in a local church. They have a heart for missions and have been on several missions trips to Rio de Janeiro, Brasil.

Jason and Debby have four children, three daughters and a son, ranging in age from nineteen to eleven. They are extremely involved in the lives of their children as the kids are active in sports, school activities, church youth groups, and much more. You can find their family vacationing in Cannon Beach, Oregon each August. They wrote a large portion of this manuscript while vacationing in Cannon Beach.

Jason and Debby Coleman celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary in September of 2009 and currently reside in Federal Way, WA.

Interview:

Eric Michaels: Starting with some of the pointers from your book: How does a couple communicate effectively?

Jason Coleman: That is an important topic in our book. One thing that we would like to say is often times when you are having a conversation with your spouse he or she may be talking about something that really doesn't apply to you and that you really don't care about and that happens quite a bit so one piece of advice I would give to your listeners is even in those times you have to listen and engage in the conversation. Part of that could be asking relevant questions with eye contact. Body language is so important and I can think of a lot of conversations my wife and I have that honestly I do not care about but it is important to her so it has to be important to me as well. Another thing I would say about communication there is it's important that you set aside time every day juts for the two of you.  Our schedules are so hectic with work, with outside things with kids perhaps and we just need to set aside even if it's just a few moments every day some time where we can share with our spouse and communicate with our spouse. We have highs, we have lows, some exciting details and there are also fears and things that flat out stress us out in our life. I think it's important that we take the time to communicate those with our spouse and lean upon one another for encouragement for strength and so forth.

Eric Michaels: Would you find yourself hesitating to communicate any fears as the man of the house, that would diminish your authority within the home or you may be afraid how she would react and you would lose your respect as that is the best way to explain it...

Jason Coleman: That is an excellent question. I think the answer to that is yes. Often times we men are hesitant to share some things or put ourselves in a vulnerable position. Early on in our marriage we struggled quite a bit and part of that I'm sure was my inability to communicate with her effectively. What I have learned is that you just have to face that dragon in the eyes and have that conversation. You know that it's going to be difficult. There might be that hesitation for fear of lack of respect and lack of understanding but everything has to be communicated. I have learned through experience that it is best that I bring it up and address it head on and then we can work through whatever that issue or that challenge may be and in the end it always seems to work out. But my own experience is, if I neglect to bring those things up or neglect to open that conversation things just build and whatever the problem was in the beginning seems to add to it and then it's a bigger problem and a bigger issue and could lead to more challenges down the road. I would say just get in there and discuss those tough situations in love and in understanding.

Eric Michaels: How do we protect our marriages from infidelity?

Jason Coleman: You know this is a really big one and this is something that really effects all marriages out there because there is always going to be that moment when we are momentarily attracted to somebody else. I think that it's important that we discuss that with our spouse and let him or her know - I was at work today and I saw this gal that kind of caught my eye, she was attractive and that is going to happen. It's natural, it's normal and I don't think there is any fault to being attracted to somebody else it is what are you going to do with that attraction. Part of that answer goes back to question number one, you have to communicate about it clearly. The other thing I would say is that you have to be very careful with who you hang out with, what you spend your time doing, who you are with and who you choose for your closest friends. A piece of advice we would give is, don't spend too much time with a friend of the opposite sex and certainly don't confide in anybody, your most secret and inner most feelings with someone of the opposite sex. This tends to draw you in and that opens up the door for potential infidelity down the road because you begin to build that friendship and that trust. I would also say - be accountable.  If I can share one short thing, when I travel for work and it's not that often - but if I go overnight I have an accountability partner. I call my friend and I let him know, he Mark I am going to L.A. tomorrow and I'll be gone for a night; we discuss it on the front end and when I get back, Mark gives me a call to follow up and he asks me some very pointed question: what I spent my time on, what I watched on T.V. and or Internet, did I hang out with people...and that level of accountability - I know when I get back from my trip he is going to ask me some very pointed questions. Sure I could choose to lie about it but then I will be stuck with that and so just knowing that accountability is there helps keep me from doing the wrong things and putting myself in a compromising situation. This means the world to Debby, knowing that when I am gone there is somebody else that is looking out for our best interest.

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Want the entire audio version of this eHealth Radio Episode? Listen to Jason's entire interview.

Author Jason Coleman discusses & answers:

- Understanding the power of choice

- Explanation of someone who divorced twice, due to adultery

- Is there any advice for a divorced and remarried couple who is having issues with disciplining kids that aren't theirs?

- What is the #1 - KEY to a successful & long marriage?

Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again for your relationship guide or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on  eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.

Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

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November 13, 2010 @ 10:30 pm

Taking the Fight Out of Your Marriage

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A true expert in the world of dating and relationships, Tina B. Tessina, PhD. A licensed psychotherapist residing in sunny California, she possesses 25 years of experience counseling individuals and couples. Along with her busy schedule, she has managed to author eleven bestselling books on relationships, publish and e-email newspaper and host a weekly radio show.

eHealth Radio is brought to you by EDrugStore.md.

Interview:

Eric Michaels: Why do you say the book is “The Perfect Peace Plan for Your Marriage”?

Tina Tessina: First of all, I am a marriage counsellor by trade and I am liscenced by the State of California and I have almost forty years or experience helping people take the fighting out of their marriages. What I did was I condensed down into money, sex and kids, the three big issues people fight about and how you handle them and what the major aspects of those issues are, how you handle them, and what you can do instead of fighting - how to avoid fighting in general so that you have a peaceful partnership in your marriage.

Eric Michaels: How do you advise couples to ‘ramp up the sweetness’ and ‘become irresistible’ with each other?

Tina Tessina: It is so important to make sure there is sweetness in your relationship. We have a tendency to focus on what isn't working and what that brings us is more stuff that isn't working - more anxiety with each other about the issues and more opposition in our relationship. One way to calm everybody down and to make sure you know on a day to day basis that you love each other is to add some sweetness and that means the stuff your mommy taught you - saying please and thank you, saying I love you frequently - being willing to be nice to each other. We have a tendency to feel like we can relax and not be nice in our marriages and if we grew up in families that weren't particularly nice to each other we lapsed into that. You are going to be so much happier in your relationship if you are nice to your partner. The most important person in your life, usually the person you spend the most time with, you want as much sweetness as possible in there.

Eric Michaels: Do you think that fighting is necessary in every marriage?

Tina Tessina: I don't think fighting is necessary in any marriage, disagreements are necessary. We are different people and it is inevitable that we are going to disagree with each other but we don't have to fight about it. We don't have to argue, scream and yell and it gets you nowhere and it waste your time, it's bad for your health and it's bad for your children. There is nothing good about fighting, so what we need to do is to do is learn how what to do instead and how not to fight which is how to negotiate things when we're different about things, how to talk to each other about things that are tough to talk about - like money & sex; how to get on the same page aboyt parenting our children and how to not fight about that. There is nothing that upsets a child more than hearing his or her parents arguing about whether they are parenting their child right or not - it makes them very insecure and very uncomforatable. You need to be on the same page and you need to figure out how to agree. I often reccomend that couples get a book or take a parenting class just to be on the same page about their parenting philosiphies so they are not fighting about how their parents parented them. You don't need to fight. There's a lot of healthier things you can do than fight.

Want the entire audio version of this eHealth Radio Episode? Listen to Tina's entire interview.

Tina Tessina discusses & answers:

- Why do you say a marriage is like a business?

- What’s the biggest problem couples have about parenting their kids?

- Special tip of advice...creating a partnership. Your marriage isn't about passion and love it's about...

Save this to your iPod/mp3 player or the desktop on your computer and listen to it again for your relationship guide or simply subscribe to this feed and never miss another episode on  eHealth Radio - powered by EDrugStore.md. Refer to audio player and links below.

Note: The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of the show host or it's owners.

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